I remember growing up. The memories I have are not pleasant ones. They are filled with unsafe people. Some people tell me their childhood was so depressing, that they have blacked much of it out. If only I were so lucky. I remember. In the past, I have struggled with self esteem issues due to much of my haunting past. As a child, I never remember feeling pretty. I do remember being a bit chunky and going through the awkward JR High years. Plain face, boys haircut, and a few extra pounds. Not very promising for a JR high girl. Then in High School I figured out the whole make up thing, lost weight, and found my identity in being some what of a rebel. I often tried to be the class clown and was always in trouble. I liked this new found image. I enjoyed the attention (although negative from many) and started getting noticed from the boys. The only problem was, I was still that insecure little girl on the inside who had to grow up way too fast. My idea of beauty and of love was very distorted.
Unfortunately, this carried into my adult life. I felt like my self worth was based on how good I looked. My image. I opened up credit cards I couldn’t afford to pay. I wore things that didn’t leave much to the imagination. There was still a little girl on the inside crying out…’Do you think I’m beautiful?’
It wasn’t until I had tried everything else, that I had decided to give this Jesus a try. A friend kept inviting me to a Bible Study, and I finally said yes. (There’s SO much more to my testimony, but we will save that for another blog!) I started reading His Word, and found out that God was crazy about me. I found out that He loved me just the way I was. I didn’t have to do anything to make Him love me. He just did, because I was His. I didn’t have to wear designer clothes or even do my make up for that matter. God thinks I’m beautiful! Wow! The King is enthralled by your beauty. –Psalm 45:11
As I read, I learned that while the world looks at the outside, that God looks on the inside. He looks at our heart. 1 Samuel 16:7 – “The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”
I wish I could say that this was a quick lesson in my life, but it took me many years to overcome some of the insecurities from my past. I will never forget when I was in Bible College. The Lord did such a mighty work there. We were having a special evening speaker, and I still remember it so clearly. I was sobbing, worshiping Him. And I remember feeling something on the inside of me. Something changed. And I heard Him say to me “you are free from the fear of man”. You see, for my whole life, I lived with a certain insecurity that no one would have ever known. You see, I’ve always been funny and outgoing. I always made people laugh. But what no one knew, was that I would get nervous around people or worry that I would have nothing to say in conversation. The Lord freed me that night.
I have made a full circle today. I still love to make people laugh, it’s His gift inside of me. But I don’t feel the pressure to do so. And I love to wear cute clothes but it’s not my identity and it’s not who I am. It’s only a small part of me. And also, If I’m in a quiet mood, I don’t have to apologize for not being the life of the party. God just thinks I’m so stinkin beautiful just the way I am! Do I think too highly of myself? Heck no, I’ve come to the realization that I am NOTHING apart from Him- and I’m so glad!
The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.” — Zephaniah 3:17
- God thinks you are beautiful.
- He is wild in love with YOU.
- He is crazy about you.
- He loves you so much that He can’t wait to spend more time with you.
as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride,
so will your God rejoice over you. — Isaiah 62:5
For more about this topic I highly recommend Angela Thomas‘ book Do You Think I’m Beautiful?